I guess I've never told you guys this, but a few years ago I tried to kill myself, and obviously did not succeed. In a way I'm glad it happened because at the time I dealt with it and learnt to cope with my suicidal feelings, meaning now in this moment of desperation, I know suicide is not an option.

Have you ever just felt so unloved by everyone? This time last year there were 5 people in my life that made me happy, 5 people that I lived for. Throughout the year I lost 3 of them, beginning of the week I lost the 4th and today I lost the last person in my life. They left me standing here alone, wondering why the hell I should keep going. I don't want to be anybody's second choice, I don't want to be the one that was left. And here I stand, with not one person in the world to talk to, knowing that I deserve better.

You know what's weird? I'm ignored by my parents because they're worried my perfectly fine sister is suicidal.

Now that it's the long break, I caught up with some old friends, friends I've known since I was 13. It's been a while since we've all had the chance to catch up, uni and exams made it difficult for us as we are all doing very different things this year. But we're sitting around chatting when one of them mentions my sister. I told them that honestly, I miss who she used to be, but I'm loving my relationship with my parents at the moment, that the three of us are really close.

"Well, at least you're not ignored anymore!"

Huh? I had no idea what she meant, and then the rest of my friends started agreeing. Apparently for years I had said that I was ignored in my family, that my parents didn't notice me.

I had a dream the other night that my sister came home. My parents were so happy to see her, and I was told that now their 'real' daughter was back, they didn't need me.

I guess sometimes it takes other people, or your own subconscious to let you know what's really bothering you, the real reason my blood runs cold every time she walks through that door. As the younger child, I will always be my parents 'second daughter', and growing up I was acutely aware of it. When I was choosing my subjects for my final years of high school, my sister was choosing her uni course, and so I was given no advice. Little things like that that made me feel she was more important in their eyes.

Maybe as I was the moody one growing up it was easier to love her, but now that she's gone I finally feel like I fit in. I have a place in my family, and when she comes home and they both fuss around her, my heart breaks, because I know at any second she could come back and take my family, and that I had to push out my own sister to get my parents to notice me.

A certian guy who has been the subject for many a blog of mine recently got facebook. At first I thought it was great, we'd be able to chat more and I could see how he's doing, but it turned out to be the reason I changed my opinion completely.

I've always considered him to be one of my best friends, and I thought I was one of his, particuarly seeing as I always thought he was a bit socially awkward. Turns out he's not, turns out he has quite a few friends, quite a few female friends, and worst of all, quite a few friends he's been talking to a whole lot more than me. So it got me thinking, maybe we're not as close as I thought we were, maybe there's nothing really between us and I can move on.

It was strange, after all this time I finally felt I was genuinly moving on, I was happy, I had opportunities now. I started to think of all the wonderful things that could happen, all the wonderful guys who could come into my life. I felt good.

But it's like he knows when I'm letting he go, because this has happened before. Today he invited me out again. COME ON! Argh it has me so frustrated. I never say anything to him but he never lets me let him go.

Either fucking ask me out or let me go. Let me stop loving you.