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Saturday, 25 June 2011

  • Xanga Trends

    I've started to notice a trend with my Xanga posts, that they seem to reflect how my life is going. At one point in time, for quite a while actually, I posted on Xanga reguarly, visited the site even more regularly and had a general group of people that I read/was read by. This point in time was an extremely difficult one for me, and whilst my posts didn't necessarily always reflect that, Xanga was an escape for me. 

    Now I usually post when I'm crying and breaking down. Xanga is still my escape, but it's not required as often. Does this mean things have improved? Evidence would suggest it has, but it certainly doesn't feel like that. Which begs the question, is the problem with my circumstances, or is the problem with me?

     

    I'm weird, I get it. Please stop telling me over and over again. Please stop sighing, shaking your head, saying my name in that way, when I'm just trying to get you to understand me. I know I don't think the same as other people, I know I'm neurotic. I KNOW. Don't you think I'm already scared that nobody will love me? Don't you think it crosses my mind every time you sigh that one day my husband will sit across from me, sighing in that same way, thinking "I can't believe I married someone so neurotic." I already hate myself, but you don't know that. You don't know that because I'm trying so hard to keep you from hating yourself. I don't deserve this. I may be weird, but that doesn't mean I'm unloveable. I'm loyal, and I'm strong, and I'd do anything for the people I love. I'll let you kill me, to make sure you're happy.

Sunday, 17 April 2011

  • Clinging to My Story

    I like to tell myself I've had a hard life, harder than most people have, and perhaps I have, but maybe I just haven't dealt with it the way I should.

    I've started meeting up with a woman from the Christian Union at my university about once a week, because I had a few questions about prayer, so we read a chapter each week and then discuss it together.

    Every time we meet we start off by talking about how my week has been, and usually I tell her more about 'my story'. The story that is my excuse as to how I live my life, why I have no friends, look sad, fail university. I have identity issues, health issues, and family issues, so who can blame me for having a little difficulty? 

    Last time I saw her was right before the weekly Christian Union meeting, which is my favourite time of the week because that's when I see all my friends. I walked in and sat down, and nobody sat next to me. But I didn't look to see where my friends were to move to sit with them, because I know they didn't intentionally not sit with me, I left. I left feeling sad and rejected, thinking about the story I had told the woman. Just telling the story and thinking about it made me too sad to move forward with my life. 

    I was on a website about self-esteem, for reasons that are unrelated and irrelevant, and it had ways to get more self-esteem. One of them was to 'stop clinging to your story'. It hit me, that's why I was sad. I've clung onto my story for so long that I almost don't know what else to talk about, I'm even pleased when it develops even further and worse because I have something new to say. 

    I have so many opportunities to make friends, have fun, succeed. But I don't take them because 'I might feel unwell', 'I'm feeling sad about my family', 'I don't deserve it because I'm weird'. Guess what sunshine? You're not terminal, your sister isn't dead, drugged or homeless, and didn't you spend all last weekend watching movies with different friends?

    It's time to stop clinging to your story, and to start writing a new one. All is forgiven, all is forgotten, now is the time. 

Wednesday, 10 November 2010

  • I didn't choose this.

    I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to hate you.

    God knows I've tried to make this work, I've tried speaking to you, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried pushing through. But you don't give a damn, do you? You don't give a damn about what we're going to lose, what I'm going to lose. Of course you don't, because you're selfish. You're selfish and you don't care about anybody except yourself. 

    You think you have morals? Yeah right, you just pretend to have morals. "Our character is what we do when we think no one is watching" - yeah, you're a real different person when there's nobody from the church watching, right? Little miss perfect does swear, right? Or did you just tell me to shut the fuck up. I thought so. There's a difference between wanting to have morals and wanting people to think you have morals.

    When you are not around my life is better, my life is happy. Please go, you're not wanted.

    Tomorrow is my birthday, the only gift I would like is for you not to be there.

    Sincerely,

    Your 'sister'

Wednesday, 18 August 2010

  • Nobody to Turn to

    You know that moment, when something hits you so hard you can't breath? When all you have to do is think about it and tears fill your eyes, and you have to try and wipe away the tears just to keep one foot in front of the other. You know that feeling, when you look around for someone to give you a hand up when you fall, only to find out there's nobody there?

    Today I needed someone to talk to. Today I needed someone to give a damn about what had happened, because I couldn't cope, and yet had so many people relying on me to be strong. I've been here before, but walked it alone, but today I had people who needed me to be there for them, so I needed to make sure I was okay. 

    I went to the uni chapel, hoping to find somebody there. There was no answer to my knock. I wanted someone anonymous, because I was so ashamed at looking weak. But I called my bible study leader and he graciously stood and listened as the tears streamed down my face and I blubbered out the words that had been going through my head repeating over and over.

    He listened.

Sunday, 25 July 2010

  • I do still love you guys

    So...it's been a while...

    bummed

    But here I am, just to let anyone who cares know what's been happening.

    I bumped into The Boy Who Broke My Heart at uni (yes apparently he now goes to my uni, super awkward) and we stopped to have a little chat. And I felt nothing. It was so strange thinking that here was a guy who I had felt so much for, had cried so much for, and I walked away knowing that that could be the last time I spoke to him, and I didn't really care. They say that hate is closer to love than apathy, because at least if you hate someone you have some emotion towards them, and that's just it, I didn't feel any anger or pain, I didn't really feel anything.

    And I suppose now I should update you guys on that other guy, the guy I talk so much about there's no point even linking him haha. My friend came back for her annual visit and once again the three of us hung out. This time though she was apparently bored with us not doing anything so when I went to the bathroom she grilled him about why we never hang out alone, and whether or not he liked me. Apparently he seemed to genuinely not know, that it was too complicated to think about so he just didn't. A week later I was at a seminar and they started talking about relationships, and that you shouldn't spend all your time thinking about whether you're doing what's best for you, but what's best for them. And then the woman giving the speech said, "you may think you're ready, but are they?" I guess I never thought about whether or not he was ready to date, and now that I think about it, I don't think he is. So I'm not trying any more, with any thing in that area, it's too hard. I've started at a new church and have started making new friends and I feel like I'm in a whole new world. If I meet a guy, we get on great, he asks me out and I want to say yes, I will. But if in three years time I'm still single and the first guy finally asks me out, and I want to say yes, I will. I guess I'm just going to stop trying to plan everything and just let things happen. After all, I don't know of a single Disney princess who chased after the guy ;)

     

trickery19

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    • Member Since: 11/22/2008

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