I've started to notice a trend with my Xanga posts, that they seem to reflect how my life is going. At one point in time, for quite a while actually, I posted on Xanga reguarly, visited the site even more regularly and had a general group of people that I read/was read by. This point in time was an extremely difficult one for me, and whilst my posts didn't necessarily always reflect that, Xanga was an escape for me. 

Now I usually post when I'm crying and breaking down. Xanga is still my escape, but it's not required as often. Does this mean things have improved? Evidence would suggest it has, but it certainly doesn't feel like that. Which begs the question, is the problem with my circumstances, or is the problem with me?

I'm weird, I get it. Please stop telling me over and over again. Please stop sighing, shaking your head, saying my name in that way, when I'm just trying to get you to understand me. I know I don't think the same as other people, I know I'm neurotic. I KNOW. Don't you think I'm already scared that nobody will love me? Don't you think it crosses my mind every time you sigh that one day my husband will sit across from me, sighing in that same way, thinking "I can't believe I married someone so neurotic." I already hate myself, but you don't know that. You don't know that because I'm trying so hard to keep you from hating yourself. I don't deserve this. I may be weird, but that doesn't mean I'm unloveable. I'm loyal, and I'm strong, and I'd do anything for the people I love. I'll let you kill me, to make sure you're happy.

I didn't choose this. I didn't choose to hate you.

God knows I've tried to make this work, I've tried speaking to you, I've tried ignoring it, I've tried pushing through. But you don't give a damn, do you? You don't give a damn about what we're going to lose, what I'm going to lose. Of course you don't, because you're selfish. You're selfish and you don't care about anybody except yourself. 

You think you have morals? Yeah right, you just pretend to have morals. "Our character is what we do when we think no one is watching" - yeah, you're a real different person when there's nobody from the church watching, right? Little miss perfect does swear, right? Or did you just tell me to shut the fuck up. I thought so. There's a difference between wanting to have morals and wanting people to think you have morals.

When you are not around my life is better, my life is happy. Please go, you're not wanted.

Tomorrow is my birthday, the only gift I would like is for you not to be there.

Sincerely,

Your 'sister'

So...it's been a while...

But here I am, just to let anyone who cares know what's been happening.

I bumped into The Boy Who Broke My Heart at uni (yes apparently he now goes to my uni, super awkward) and we stopped to have a little chat. And I felt nothing. It was so strange thinking that here was a guy who I had felt so much for, had cried so much for, and I walked away knowing that that could be the last time I spoke to him, and I didn't really care. They say that hate is closer to love than apathy, because at least if you hate someone you have some emotion towards them, and that's just it, I didn't feel any anger or pain, I didn't really feel anything.

And I suppose now I should update you guys on that other guy, the guy I talk so much about there's no point even linking him haha. My friend came back for her annual visit and once again the three of us hung out. This time though she was apparently bored with us not doing anything so when I went to the bathroom she grilled him about why we never hang out alone, and whether or not he liked me. Apparently he seemed to genuinely not know, that it was too complicated to think about so he just didn't. A week later I was at a seminar and they started talking about relationships, and that you shouldn't spend all your time thinking about whether you're doing what's best for you, but what's best for them. And then the woman giving the speech said, "you may think you're ready, but are they?" I guess I never thought about whether or not he was ready to date, and now that I think about it, I don't think he is. So I'm not trying any more, with any thing in that area, it's too hard. I've started at a new church and have started making new friends and I feel like I'm in a whole new world. If I meet a guy, we get on great, he asks me out and I want to say yes, I will. But if in three years time I'm still single and the first guy finally asks me out, and I want to say yes, I will. I guess I'm just going to stop trying to plan everything and just let things happen. After all, I don't know of a single Disney princess who chased after the guy ;)