Tuesday, 16 June 2009
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Who was I kidding?
As a kid, I had asthma, but was told by the doctors that I'd eventually out grow it although it might occasionally come back if I exercised in cold weather. For once the doctors were right and after many, many years of having no problems I assumed I had recovered completely.
Yesterday morning I went out in the double (two people in one boat rowing) for the first time, as I'm in a single and double for a regatta this weekend. I was pretty nervous but everything seemed to be going ok. Once we'd done the warm up, we stopped while the coach was talking to us and for a moment forgot about balancing the boat. We started to tip and frantically tried to regain balance but it was too late, we knew we were going into the water, and there was nothing we could do about it.
Being in the water it took me a moment to realise that I wasn't just going to float up to the top, because my feet were tied to the now underwater boat. I untied myself and surfaced, checked the other girl was ok as well and then had to attempt to find the oars, flip the boat and climb back in. When I was back in the boat I was obviously soaked, and at sub-zero degrees was frozen. I had noticed a tightness in my chest but had decided that was normal considering I had just been dunked in the river, in winter at 6am.
That evening I went to land training where we use rowing machines. We did pieces of 1500m and had planned to do a total of 5. After the first one I was breathing heavily as everyone does after a lot of exercise but then realised it was because I couldn't breath properly, not because I was tired. I left after the first piece and went back, trying to catch my breath but unable to, I felt nausieous and was terrified.
When I got home my dad asked why I had come home early and I told him. He looked so disappointed. I know it really meant the world to him that I was rowing, because he had been a successfull rower, and with no sons he was kinda relying on me to take after him. For the first time he told me that if I didn't like it, I could give it up.
I don't know who I was kidding when I thought I could do this. I've never been sporty, I've never been good at anything. Starting rowing was the stupidest thing I have ever done, because I'm setting myself up to get hurt, but it goes against my personality to give up. I've grown so attached to the people I row with that I don't want to leave them, but I don't want to let them down.
I look at the water and I feel sick to my stomach. I'm so afraid that I'll fall in. I'm so afraid that I'll stop breathing. I'm so afraid that I can't do this.
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Comments (9)
@Knight_of_Renown - Thank you so much for such kind words :)
OMG!! I'm glad you're okay now. :) I have asthma too. When I get sick in winter, I have to stay in bed for the whole week. I can't go to cold places or I'll get sick. Are you like that too?
Aww~~~ *hugs* hang in there! hope you didn't catch a cold.
@Got_Takoyaki - yeah I have a tendancy to get sick when it's cold as well but I was lucky enough not to get sick this time :)
Good luck. You're obviously at a hard crossroad of what you should do. That's NEVER easy. Knight (above) has it right. Use your understanding in your faith to look ahead and what you can achieve in, or outside, of rowing. If you decide rowing is not for you but you still want to be around the people, explain your fears, or troubles, and maybe hang on as some sort of equipment manager? Or trainer? If nothing else, i'm sure they always need a cheering section.
If you DO decide to stick with it. Do the same. Tell your coach and teammates what you're feeling but that you're going to try to stick with it. i'm willing to bet you'll find that they (yes, even the coach) have experienced similar feelings throughout their time in the sport.
God bless and good luck!
Wow, I wonder if I have some minor form of this as well. Whenever I run in the cold my lungs tend to sting. Hmm...
I don't think it was stupid. It was an accident. An understandably scary accident. I'd say you acted admirably well as a rower, in getting yourself untangled. It would be a pity if you quit.
Don't give in to the fear! Once you've been on the water a few more times you'll have beaten that and gained the confidence that comes with it.
Good luck and don't give up - it sucks, but in the end I've always found the perseverance to be worth it.
I never took up sports and this is part of why. (Though I don't even have/carry an inhaler now.) It scares me, too. :( I don't think it's stupid, and the fear is very real. I wish I had more/real advice for you. <3 Good luck.