One year ago today, I went on a search for a site that would let me share my story - I found Xanga. To all those who have listened to me this past year, a thank you. You became my shoulder to cry on and my guidence and a few (who know who they) became people I very much trusted.

One year ago today, I was so very alone and I felt it. Today, I am still alone, in fact maybe more so, but I don't feel it anymore. Xanga has allowed me to share the lessons I've learnt along the way and remember them in the months following. I have grown, and I am whole.

A few days ago it was my birthday, I did not get even a card from my best friend or my sister. But a few days ago a new chapter began and it's a chapter that only the new, stronger me could cope with. Thank you for helping me through that last chapter of my life, and I hope I have brought some form of happiness or comfort to those who have encouraged me.

So yes it has been about two weeks since I've had the time to come on Xanga and make a post (although I have been attempting to keep up to date with all your posts), but life is so wonderfully busy at the moment. You know that feeling when you're so busy all day that when your head hits the pillow you just fall asleep, great feeling for me since it normally takes me 2-3 hours to fall asleep regardless of what time I go to bed.

I had rowing state championships a few weeks ago and whilst I didn't come first or have some epic great story I get to share, we did make it into two finals, which I was pretty pleased with, although after two days of rowing in pretty terrible weather, nobody was particularly happy at the time. What was pretty exciting was the jumpers that were on sale, with all the competitor's names on it - even mine!

My sister still hasn't moved back - hallelujah. I don't know what's happening to her but she seems to be getting worse and worse every time she visits. She even skipped my mum's birthday, and then skipped the substitute lunch we'd planned. But my parents and I are such a happy little trio right now, I don't think we've come close to an argument in months, and for parents and a teenage girl that's a miracle! My parents even came down to watch my races, all my races, despite the freezing, windy, rainy weather they had to sit in to do so. I know a lot of things are pretty crap in my life right now, but I'm counting my blessings and am so happy!

 A while back I went on exchange with 20 other people from my school, only one of whom I knew. I went just to test out my language skills, have a bit of a holiday, and have some fun. I didn't expect to met the guy who would flip my world around.

It was a strange meeting, something almost movie-like, our surnames are next to each others alphabetically, so we were placed next to each other on the plane. We didn't say anything, or really acknowledge each other until the pilot made an announcment that there would be a bit of turbulance, for the next hour. He said it so oddly we looked at each other, wide eyes and raised eyebrows and cracked up. We were inseperable ever since.

A few days later I was sitting with him and a few of the others when one of the girls started talking to him about another girl who wasn't on the trip. "Who's she?" I asked, so blissfully unaware of the response, "His girlfriend."

He had a girlfriend, at least I found out reasonably early in the trip, but I had that sinking feeling. All those thoughts that he liked me must have been wrong, right? But he kept being friendly with me, and one day as part of a joke, he put his arm around me. Time and time again, he'd find a reason to put his arm around me, until he did it out of habit. He'd take my hand when we were sitting and he'd put his head on my shoulder on those long bus journeys.

By this time I'd found out that he'd only been dating the other girl a few days before coming on the trip, and I convinced myself they weren't really dating. I convinced myself that the moment we came home, he'd break up with her for me. I convinced myself I wasn't doing anything wrong.

On one of the last days of the trip we were standing on the beach, looking at the water, his arms wrapped around me. "I wonder who she'll think is the bigger slut, me or you." He said, so off-the-cuff. I was stunned, I knew I was doing something wrong, but I never thought of myself in terms of 'the other woman'. "I need a drink." I went over to where the rest of the group were and stayed there, avoiding him.

I couldn't carry on the way we had been, I couldn't be with him until he had broken up with her. I decided once we were back home and he had broken up with her, that I would date him, but until then we would just be friends. But I couldn't bring myself to tell him either.

At the airport going home there was a tearful goodbye between us and our host families, and he hugged me tight to try and console me. I couldn't push him away, I couldn't tell him, but I couldn't look at myself either. I just needed to get back so we could be together.

He didn't break up with her the first few days, I thought that was kind of him. He still came to see me as often as he could and hugged me as he left. He didn't break up with her after a few weeks, I decided he had no reason to, whilst he had both of us. Slowly he stopped coming to see me, I thought that maybe then he'd miss me, and come back to me, single. But then our long chats became smiles and nods as we passed each other, as I passed him with his girlfriend.

He never broke up with her. He never intended to.

A few months later, after his girlfriend had broken up with him, it was our turn to host. It meant seeing him again, spending time with him, sitting next to him. His arm went back around me, his charm working like magic as he played with my hand. But he wasn't going to ask me out, just like he was never going to before. At the end of the night we said goodbye, our hosting duties over we had no reason to see each other anymore. He hugged me tight, smiled, and left, leaving me to pick up the pieces of my heart, and walk out the door knowing that it wasn't that he wanted her, it's that he just didn't want me.